The story of Jesus Christ of Nazareth’s birth, as told in the Bible’s New Testament, is truly epic. It tells of numerous challenges that Joseph and his wife, Mary, endured, just to bring humankind’s saviour onto this world. Life was much harder in the Middle East 2,000 years ago, even for people who did not have a birth as troubled as Jesus’. So below, we try and recreate an illusionary view of what Jesus Christ’s birth would be like if it were to take place in the modern day world. It is a fictional account.
The weird virgin
It is safe to look at Angel Gabriel’s appearance to Mary as the starting point of the events leading up to Jesus’ birth. You had a well-kept virgin who is betrothed to a man, waiting for her wedding day. That is by all means, a very hard feat in this day and age. Mary would thus be the modern day weird girl. She would be the near social misfit, the girl who even after campus, has neither dated, nor been kissed, nor, needless to mention, a virgin.
She would probably be in her early to her mid-20s, freshly out of university, and maybe, in her first job. During her days at campus, she would have been the girl without a life, you know the girl who walked to the library on a Friday evening while her female friends are being whisked off in some working class guy’s car. She would be the one to open the door at 3 am for her drunken roommate returning from a bar. But she would pass her exams with flying colours, partly because she read her books while everybody else partied.
She would be the fellowship-regular-girl whose daily itinerary is only occupied by work, meals, and Bible-study. She would have few friends. She would be a plain girl, who probably does not do make-up, who lets her hair be, who wears no lip gloss, who wears her skirts down all the way to below the knee, who avoids pants, even despises tight pants and dresses, who wears no high heels, who wears average modest perfumes (only to neutralise body odour but not attract attention), who does not wear her blouses in such a way as to show cleavage.
The guy without swag
Joseph too, would be a weirdo of sorts. He would be the uncool guy, the one who came off as having no class, or “game” as it is referred to by the youth. He would probably have been quite uneasy in the company with women, avoiding any uncomfortable contact like hugs. He would be a plain guy, who does not wear jeans and fancy designers t-shirts and boots.
You know the kind of men who do not seem to take notice of girls, the kind of boys who never whistle when a cutie passes by the street as she wiggles her bosom, the kind of guy who has no place in conversations about who is the hottest girl and self-praising talk of sexual conquests.
He too would be quite religious, a regular at church who has probably also kept himself chaste as he waits for his wedding day.
Joseph and Mary would make one of those rare couples. They probably would not go out dating on candle-lit dinners in any of the many restaurants in and around Kampala. They probably would not be going to the movies either, or to music concerts. Instead, they would attend fellowship at church together or any other such church function; and that would offer the chances for bonding.
And yes, it makes you wonder just how on earth Joseph would propose to Mary as he asks for her hand in marriage. Chances are they would not be any such lovey-dovey stuff. Joseph would probably have just gone to Mary’s parents, sought their permission, then gone ahead to marry her.
Or maybe, he would go about it with a verse from the Bible, you know, use scripture to seek her hand. He could probably come up with a line like, “you know what Mary, the Bible says he who finds a wife finds a good thing. Will you be my good thing?”
Chances are that poor old Joseph and his wife Mary would have a very modest wedding by today’s standards. They would not hold wedding meetings where they harass friends who they last saw a decade ago to contribute towards buying a Shs5m wedding dress, or for a fleet of Lincoln limousines, or for a wedding reception at the Serena, and yet the guys are still renting a one bedroom house.
They would keep it simple. At the wedding reception, guests would probably be served with pop corn and a samosa, packed in a small envelope. And the honeymoon? Well, what honeymoon? Joseph and his wife could maybe spend a night at a hotel in Jinja, then return to build their marriage.
Travel on a bodaboda
The Bible tells of how Joseph and his pregnant wife had to travel all the way to Bethlehem for a census that was at hand. Well, if that was modern day Uganda, the census would be cancelled last minute, after the couple had travelled thousands of kilometres, because the cash for the census had been diverted to buying more teargas and anti-riot gear.
Instead of the lone-donkey that served as transport in the Biblical story, Joseph, in modern times, would probably suffer the bad luck of using a bodaboda to carry him and his pregnant wife. The bodaboda would end up tossing and bumping about, in and out of potholes, to Mary’s great chagrin.
After a long and arduous journey, Joseph and his wife would finally arrive at their destination. The labour pains would already have started. And he would tell the bodaboda cyclist to head to Mulago Hospital. There, they would find the medical workers on strike.
“Our salaries have not been paid for six months, so we are not working until the money is paid,” one of the pink dressed nurses would tell Joseph. Distraught and perplexed, the poor fellow would try another hospital, one of the many Health Centre IIs and Health Centre IIIs, seeking anywhere with health personnel to oversee his wife give birth.
At the Health Centre II, he would be told that there are no drugs…in fact, that there have not been drugs at the facility for three weeks now, hence why all work was hence forth suspended indefinitely. The nurse at the station would tell him that the District Health Officer had promised to bring more drugs when government released more money, in the next financial year.
Doctors on strike
At the Health Centre III, he would be told that there is no body to help because the midwife in charge would have gone to visit a relative in another district. The rest of the workers would not be competent enough to handle a pregnancy and would thus be of no help to poor old Joseph.
He would seek to rest at the Constitutional Square; but the anti-riot police and the kiboko squad would be all over the place beating and arresting everything in sight, and will send the couple scampering for their dear lives.
Tired and frustrated, he would then jump onto a bodaboda and with his wife, head to a lodge or guest house, the kind where sexual promiscuity is propagated and nurtured, to rest his wife. And all by himself, he would help his wife give birth.
After the birth, visitors who wish to come and pay homage to the special new born baby, would pass by the police headquarters, seeking address information that would lead them to Joseph.
But at the police station, anti riot police, which suspects that a dully elected government could be overthrown by a new born baby, will decide to deploy heavily, on all major roundabouts in the town. They would clampdown on every person they see walking, thinking they are all searching for the new baby, in an act of treason to overthrow the government.
The government would then declare the new born baby, treason or an economic saboteur and even issue an arrest warrant for the baby. The baby would only survive by sneaking out of the country to Rwanda through Katuna.
If it were in modern day East African countries and the interpol, would be dispatching agents all over the place, seeking any signs of a king-like newborn baby. Cruise missiles and tomahawk missiles would be fired into places that are suspected of hiding the new agent against the state. Israel, America France , Russia, China, Japan too would get involved, firing more missiles into East Africa as they target the new born baby who will undermine the baby. The United Nations would be up in arms, threatening sanctions and calling upon East African countries and others to cut back on their use of force.
Life has changed so much on earth since Jesus Christ was born over 2,000 years ago. The possibility of events that would surround his birth were he to be born in this age, make up the very contents for a Hollywood thriller.
